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Is a divorce the right option?

Posted by lacer86 
Is a divorce the right option?
March 25, 2021 12:11PM
I need help.

I don't love my husband anymore.

I feel repulsed by him because he behaves like an arrogant, greedy, lazy pig.

His behaviour has always, more or less, been appalling - although I was only young at the beginning and probably blind to it or very naively thought it was endearing. It's worn incredibly thin now.

Now, I can't stand him and feel he just cannot be trusted with things like money, or telling the truth. Lying is second nature to him, and he lies about things all the time - why, I cannot tell you.

He constantly says and does irritating things. He splits hairs and argues the toss with every little thing so that he feels superior. He skulks about, finds excuses not to help me with things like cooking/laundry etc. (but claims it's easy anyway) Regularly tosses off in the bathroom for an hour to porn. I kept finding bits of paper around the place with weblinks to certain videos which he insisted was shared with him by colleagues, and later admitted that was a lie. Resulting in him screaming in my face and storming off for an hour. All our neighbours heard.

He got us into debt because he gambles and pisses away money on phone games (spent £5k in 2 months then lied about it for months - resulting in another scream in the face and a storm-off). It's so exhausting and I've had enough. I feel like I carry him around at times, and especially financially. We'd have never have been able to buy our first home if it wasn't for me, penny pinching, going without, sacrificing. We're on the verge of finally becoming solvent, because of all the hard work I put into budgeting and saving.

We have been together for well over a decade and have been in debt the entire time, because of him. I've tried being understanding and flexible, and encouraged an open, honest relationship with no surprises, only complete understanding, but it's take take take and I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with it anymore. He keeps so many secrets, when it finally comes out he screams in my face as it it's all my fault, and stomps about like a petulant child. He is in his mid forties. Sometimes he pushes me to one side so he can go and speed off in the car. Sometimes barefoot, just for a show. It's embarrassing.

I tried talking to him about the state of my mental health and he just gaslights it, whilst he continues flicking through TV channels or not lifting his eyes off his phone. On one particular day I just felt like I'd reached my limit with work, life, etc and broke down. I was trying to talk to him about it but he was too busy scrolling through Facebook. And he argued about it like it was his right to look at his phone rather than soothe his distraught wife.

Another day, I eventually tried to tell him that my mental health, still very much in a poor state, lead me to feeling very suicidal, which I actually admitted to my GP before I admitted it to him, and he barely raised an eyebrow. I might as well have said "banana banana blah blah blah white noise". Last night he said our marriage was "until death do us part".

A few years ago, when he'd blown all that money on games and lied to me about it (when we'd, or at least I, had been desperately scrimping and saving for a mortgage deposit) I asked for a divorce because I'd just had enough of his constantly mentally anguishing BS and said it was his choice - keep the marriage and be a grown up and attend marriage counselling, or continue your ways and have a divorce - find someone else. He did not agree to the divorce.

The "honeymoon period" on that fizzled out and I'm right back where we were - he's behaving like that, and I feel desperately depressed because of it and wish I could just stop living. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

As petty as it may sound, I find it blood-boiling how selfish and greedy he is. He can't share, and certainly not equally - especially when it comes to food and drink. He'll take the last of something then pull some stupid face like he's being cute. If he pays for something, he wants to make sure I'm well aware it came out of his account, whereas if it was me, I'd never feel the need to mention it. For example, "They only had one chocolate brownie left, so it's MINE because I paid for it on MY card". Very petty, yes, but, highly irritating. What's mine is his and what's his is his. He thinks that expression is funny.

Other than our home address, we have absolutely nothing in common. We do not have children, but we do have a dog. I love my dog more than anything. I do not have any parents or siblings.

I'm sick of making all the effort to make a nice life. Nothing happens unless I arrange it, he shows zero interest but then complains I've "taken over" despite several attempts, imploring him to take an interest. I just can't bloody win.

Thinking about if you were in my position, deeply frustrated and upset, what would you do? Would you file for a divorce or try to work it out?

I feel trapped, and, I genuinely do not know what to do.
Re: Is a divorce the right option?
March 25, 2021 04:07PM
You cant negotiate desire , if you go to counselling any plan to move forward with your relationship, will be transactional and eventually won't work DIVORCE is all about the LSD. nobody cares who did what, get a lawyer and get a consent order ,. in place ASAP. and try to stay away from pointless conflict. .......... probably less cordial answer than you expected .



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/25/2021 04:24PM by bigman60.
Re: Is a divorce the right option?
March 25, 2021 05:17PM
It's the cold hard truth though isn't it. I don't disagree with you. We have to want to be together and enjoy each other, rather than "put up" with and tolerate eachother. What kind of existence is that. Not a happy one.
Re: Is a divorce the right option?
March 25, 2021 06:08PM
Looked at from the outside continuing with this marriage is going to bring you nothing but misery. Fortunately you do not have children so you really have nothing to consider but your own future happiness. For what it's worth I have been involved in more divorces than I can count but there are several recurring themes. One is that six months after a person has issued a divorce petition they feel like a weight has been lifted off them and wonder why they did not do it sooner. Ultimately it is your decision. There are plenty of people who soldier on with desperately unhappy marriages. The question only you can answer is whether you want to be one of them.
Re: Is a divorce the right option?
March 26, 2021 10:25AM
My marriage was no where near like yours, but as David says it is liberating when it’s all over. My money is my own to do with as I please, I don’t have to please anyone but myself and I absolutely love it. Make that leap, you won’t regret it and leave him to wallow in his own selfishness.
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