my wife (31) has asked me (38) for a divorce. We earn roughly the same (35K) and work in the same industry.
I'm more frugal whereas she spends almost all of her income.

No kids.

We contribute 50/50 to household bills and mortgage. Any unforeseen expenses I cover.

I came into the marriage with 20K in savings and now have about 60K. My wife has no savings.

I have a lower pension forecast as I retrained in my late 20s and have student loan deductions. She has no loans or debt (She recently paid off an expensive car loan but is talking of getting a new car).

1. Will I have to split my savings 50/50 with her in a settlement?
2. Is there an amicable way we can do this if the marriage cannot be saved? Could I ask her just to split the house sale 50/50?
3. Should I pay off the remainder of my student loan (£6000)?
4.I'd like to try couples counselling. She initially agreed but will not fix on an appointment time.
5.I'm worried I'm not going to cope with the separation well (burst out crying at work etc). Any support recommendations would be very gratefully received.

I can’t comment on the financial split, that would be David’s domain. However I would say just let her go ahead with the divorce, she is obviously not happy in the marriage and that will always be hanging over you. Get out now and minimise any losses before this becomes a long marriage and potentially children.

I was in your position, my wife wanted a divorce and I didn’t, I was an emotional wreck and would have done anything to remain married to her. There is life after divorce, once I was single and free to do what I wanted, I realised how unhappy I was in the marriage and embraced all the things I would never had been able to do whilst married.

Good luck.

Thanks Andy. Really hope I can be happy again.

I'm unsure if to pay off my student loan or spend some savings on a holiday now.

Hopefully David can advise.

Andy is right when he says that trying to save a marriage which one spouse thinks is dead is a mug's game. In fact be very wary if your wife says she has changed her mind. It is not uncommon for people to say this even though their under;ying opinion hasn't changed. The words are sometimes just as way to gain time in order to get a better financial outcome. At the moment this is not an especially long marriage and there are no children. Things start to change quite dramatically when a marriage lasts longer and/or children enter the equation. Remember, you do not need your wife's consent to obtain a divorce and you would be unwise to behave as though you think consent is needed. Now that your wife has made her views known you would be wise to take notice of that and, if necessary, drive the divorce through yourself rather than rely upon your wife. In the light of this your point (4) is probably a bad idea on your part.

As to the financial outcome you do not say how much equity there is in the house. This is relevant because the financial outcome will probably depend upon where you will both live after divorce and how that will be funded. If there is enough equity so that an equal division would enable your wife to put down a deposit on a new place and fund the remainder by mortgage then it would be feasible for you to say that only the equity should be divided and you should keep your savings. However, if half the equity would not be enough to fund a suitable property for your wife then a court is not likely to regard it as fair that you could buy a place but she could not. In that event you might either have to reconcile yourself to letting her have more of the equity or else share some or all of your savings. If you have to do this you could at least say, 'I came into the marriage with £20K. That at any rate should be left out of account as being non-matrimonial'. You do not necessarily have to go so far as as to share that.

There's about 150k equity in the house.
It wouldn't be enough to fund the outright purchase of somewhere to live but 75k would make a decent deposit.

Is paying off the student loan wise?

Are there any other legal ways I can protect these savings?

If your wife paid off her car loan it is hard to see how you could be criticised for paying off your student loan. The worst that ould happen would be that it was counted back in as part of your share,

Andyk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I can’t comment on the financial split, that would
> be David’s domain. However I would say just let
> her go ahead with the divorce, she is obviously
> not happy in the marriage and that will always be
> hanging over you. Get out now and minimise any
> losses before this becomes a long marriage and
> potentially children.
>
> I was in your position, my wife wanted a divorce
> and I didn’t, I was an emotional wreck and would
> have done anything to remain married to her.
> There is life after divorce, once I was single and
> free to do what I wanted, I realised how unhappy I
> was in the marriage and embraced all the things I
> would never had been able to do whilst married.
>
> Good luck.


Just out of interest Andy. Have you met someone new and how did you allay the loneliness so as not to fall into another bad match?

So far as loneliness and moving on are concerned remember it is seeking a divorce (or the dissolution of a civil partnership) which gives a court jurisdiction over your income and assets.If you do not remarry (or enter into a civil partnership) you can live with whoever you want and your income and assets remain yours. Perhaps Labour will change this just as they are bringing in assisted dying and increasing the time limits for abortion up until birth despite never mentioning either in their manifesto but this is still currently the legal position.

Yes, I have met someone new, but first I went out and enjoyed myself as a single man, doing all the things I wanted to do rather than doing something just to keep the peace. I made a whole new set of friends, forced myself to go out and make them, and met people I would never have done if I were still married, going to art exhibitions, classical concerts, opera - things I never really knew I enjoyed because it wasn’t anything she was interested in.

My partner and I maintain our own homes, remain independent of each other and have no desire to move in together or get married. We have both been in the same position of having to start over again and neither of us want to be in that position again. We each pay our own way and split our times between each others houses and also have time apart where we do things with our respective friends. We both feel that we have the best of both worlds.

There is life after divorce and in my experience that life is much better than it was when I was married but you have to make the effort to make it that’s any and not dwell on the past.

My children are grown and have flown the nest and we are at the age where there is no danger of children coming along. A good friend of mine got divorced before me, he is a very successful businessman, and still has a great relationship with his ex wife, he is also good looking and he knows it. He is never short of much younger female company but he was wise enough to take the advice from us friends and got himself a vasectomy so he doesn’t get trapped by some young woman “Accidentally” falling pregnant.

Good luck with everything, you will come out of it and when you do, enjoy yourself, do things for you and don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.