Ex-wife moving home and impacting children's' education

My ex-wife and I divorced in 2017 and since then we have shared joint care of our son and daughter, now aged 13 ½ and 12 respectively. In 2019 my ex-wife and I reached a reasonably amicable formal ‘clean break’ financial settlement whereby I retained the family home, in which both children grew up, whilst my ex-wife has a flat about 15 minutes away by car.

Both children are well settled and very happy in a Surrey state school which currently holds an OFSTED rating of ‘Outstanding’ and which is about a 10minute walk from my home. Until now the shared care arrangement has worked well and the children spend approximately equal time with myself and with their mother although my ex always maintains (perhaps rightly) that she shoulders the main parental responsibility.

My ex has now recently re-kindled a relationship with the person who was instrumental in our break-up in 2017 and they have for some months now been co-habiting in her flat. My ex recently informed me that they are now planning to move away, perhaps as early as this Easter, to an area about 2 hours drive east of here and much closer to her current partner's base and his children. And that this move would require our children to move to a new school at their new location, the prospect of which is already causing both our children significant distress and anxiety such that they are refusing to agree to the move.

It happens that a nearby extremely prestigious fee-paying school, ranked amongst the country’s top 5 boarding schools, runs a (basically philanthropic) coaching and mentoring programme offered annually to a small number of carefully selected year 9 pupils from local ‘partner’ state schools. This fully funded educational programme includes residential courses, and follows the selected students through to leaving school after year 13. My son recently learned he had been selected from a very large number of pupils to participate in this transformational educational programme for which the induction day is set for early March i.e. less than a month from now.

Although my ex has proposed to me that we continue the shared joint care arrangement after her move she seems to ignore the impracticality of this and the potential damage and disruption to our children’s’ education and social lives, especially the significance of our son losing the unique and irreplaceable opportunity of 5 years free mentoring by a top public school - which will not be possible if he relocates away from this area.

My initial thought is to apply to the Family Court for what I think is known as a ‘Prohibited Steps Order’ to prevent my ex from moving the children from their school’s area. However, on briefly looking into this it seems that we are required go through a prior Mediation process before I can do this. These processes all take time and I am worried that our son’s place on the educational programme may be lost - especially as his mother refuses, on the grounds that they will soon be relocating - to even complete and return the required registration forms for the programme, which starts in March.

So the questions I am hoping to urgently find answers for can, I think, be summarised as:

1. What would be the view of the Family Court with regard to the importance of maintaining the stability of the children’s’ educational environment in this situation, particularly with regard to the opportunity presented to our son?

2. Is a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent my ex from re-locating the children likely to be granted in these circumstances?

3. Given the time-critical situation is there some way of fast-tracking or short-cutting the required processes?

4. Am I correct in thinking the PSO is the best way to go? And what other or alternative steps should I be considering?

And by the way – I work full time doing variable shifts and overtime so to propose that I should try to acquire sole care of the children is equally impractical. Also, as I am slowly going backwards with regard to covering a mortgage on my own, retaining the services of a good legal professional is well out of reach. So my options in these respects are limited. Likewise - the obvious suggestion of attempting a rational discussion of the situation with my ex – which I’m afraid would certainly descend rapidly into a brawl.

Thanks for reading, and for any desperately-needed opinions.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2024 12:14AM by JPaulF.

The court generally values stability for the kiddos, especially with big opportunities like your son's program.
A Prohibited Steps Order could be a solid move to halt the relocation, but it might need mediation first, which could eat up precious time. Fast-tracking is tricky, but it may be worth exploring given the urgency.
And yeah, talking it out with your ex sounds like a long shot, but sometimes surprises happen when you least expect it.
Check out https://divorcejury.com/faq for some more insights. Hang in there, buddy. Tough times, but you're doing your best for your kids.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2024 09:28AM by abdulloh21.

That is true. Courts do generally favour stability and also these children are of an age where what they want counts. The problem appears to be that the person posing the question admits that for him to seek full care would be impractical. That is a conundrum. The children's mother can move if she wants. That cannot be prevented. The question is really what the alternative is if the parent who opposes the move cannot assume full time care.

Thanks for all comments. Unfortunately things are moving faster than I expected and ex says they will be in new (rented) place in exactly a month. Seems I could rapidly get a PSO (including MIAM) but still faced with the practicalty issue which David highlights (many thanks BTW). Still pondering this, and even thinking of just bluffing it - but ex is now swaying the kids with promise of a nice big house - which I believe may be unaffordable longer term but largely provided by new/old partner.

Just worried about how long this arrangement could last (they've only been back together for a few months), plus of course uprooting the children from school, friends, and everying they know - quite apart from inevitably seeing much less of me (and more of him!). So now about to try to reason with her (by text or email as I need to choose words carefully!) in the hope that either she can allay my fears (unlikely) or hold off, at least for a while (even more unlikely).

So now really worried that if I just roll over everything could go really pear-shaped down the line with regard to the childrens secondary education, missed opportunity, social lives, etc. But if I now (try to) throw a spanner in the works I become the all-round bad guy - and still faced with the practicality issue. Need to think - fast, but carefully.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2024 06:50PM by JPaulF.

Latest development: Ex informs me this evening, when I went to collect the children for a few days away, that she has unilaterally un-enrolled them from their brilliant school - along with any chance of taking up the brilliant mentoring programme mentioned above. After a 'slight altercation' with her (and the b/f!) I received a message from her saying she is about to pay a huge deposit on the new house and giving me 48hrs to register any objection, I messaged her to make clear in no uncertain terms my dissapproval of any intended move without full discussion and involvement of Family Court. So now intending to proceed with Zoom MIAM and PSO tomorrow - unless of course I get a rapid U-turn from her and we get to discuss things rationally (which is rather unlikely the way things are going). And of course, I must get onto the school PDQ in order to sort things out with them.

I take on board the helpful comments above but would really like an opinion of how likely I am to get a judge's support regarding not removing the children from their school - assuming I am able somehow to find a way of caring for the children myself for most or all of the time going forward. This would be in the event that ex still presses on with move to be nearer b/f's family, but in reality I think she may well have a change of heart if she thought that not being able to take the children with her was a realistic prospect.

BTW - the children are both quite upset at the prospect of moving so I don't expect difficulty getting them on-side - which I believe helps my case a lot. Unless of course ex threatens to move anyway which could really mess them up. What a sht show.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2024 10:24PM by JPaulF.

Well, for anyone interested my attemps at well-considered reasoning fell on deaf ears, and the children, who seem well on-side now, tell me that the reason their mum opted to move nearer her boyfriend is, as suspected, simply that he didn't want to uproot his children to move closer to her i.e. for purely selfish reasons.

So my best option now seems to be to go for the urgent PSO, without messing about getting a MIAM first, but getting one later if necessary. As urgency is an issue here I have been advised that, rather than do an on-line application, it would be worthwhile using a solicitor 'who knows the ropes', shortcuts, etc. Can this be true?

As funds are low I am sort of committed to the DIY route and would much appreciate anyone with the 'inside knowledge' chipping in with suggested tips for smoothing the process in order to get the essential speedy result which is now essential to forestall ex's plan to ruin the childrens education and social lives. Thanks in advance.

If you do intend making an urgent court application to stop the move then that usually involves physically attending court, issuing the papers and geting an urgent hearing before a judge. Although in principle this could be done by a litigant in person it is by no means straightforward. It might be wiser to use a solicitor near to the court who has experience of making this type of urgent application.

A court would be likely to make an interim order - that is that the children should not be moved until the court has had the opportunity to fully consider the matter at a later hearing.

Thank you David for this useful information. Via numerous messages to and from the ex I feel today that I may be getting somewhere although capitulation is still some way off. She says that she is about to apply for a court order to permit her to unilaterally change the childrens school to one near her soon-to-be new home. I said this can not happen without the agreement of myself and the children - which is not forthcoming. Am I correct?

And if I am correct, and in relation to our recent discussions about attending a mediation session, - is a mediator qualified to explain this to my ex, or can only a judge do that?

If I can get her to understand this then I feel I may be spared the expense and trouble of getting the urgent PSO and I doubt she will try to force the issue if she knows she cannot win. Or should I take that risk?

BTW thanks also to David for helping me with a few queries I had in 2017/18 about separation and divorce issues when we communicated by email.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/13/2024 09:44PM by JPaulF.

>>She says that she is about to apply for a court order to permit her to unilaterally change the childrens school to one near her soon-to-be new home. I said this can not happen without the agreement of myself and the children - which is not forthcoming. Am I correct?<<

No, you are not correct. She can apply to a court for permission to remove the children just as you can make a court application to prevent her. In either event a judge then decides based upon what you each have to say and what is in the best interests of the children. The whole point of a court application is that a judge decides. Although a judge will listen to what each of you have to say and take it into account neither of you would have a veto upon the ultimate decision.

Okay, thanks David. So if ex has applied/is applying (for a specific issue order I think), and the court/judge has to ask for my side of the story before reaching their decision then there seems little point in me also applying to court simultaneously (as I had intended) for a prohibited steps order to judge the exact same issue. Or am I missing something?

By the way the children are with me now for a few days and are adamant that they do not want to change schools.

There are a few observations:

1. People often say they are going to make a court application but don't actually do it. If you are relying upon your ex to make an application you need to monitor the situation carefully before abandoning your own.

2. You may need to make a cross application anyway even if she makes an application. Her application would be to remove the children. If her application failed it is almost the same as being actually prohibited from moving them but not quite.

3. The children are of an age when their wishes matter.

Many thanks David for your learned observations. I am holding fire on an urgent application for the moment partly because I am at present a long way away from the respective court (staying, with the children, at my parents place for the half term week). But I am monitoring the situation closely and awaiting any developments.

Without wishing to become burdensome, I would be interested to know the practical differences in effect between a failed application and a prohibition, and whether, if I am not entirely satisfied with the former, there is any reason not to subsequently apply for the latter.

Yes, the children are now mature enough to be involved in the discussion. So, as of yesterday, we (myself and my parents) have been at pains to include them and answer their questions as honestly as we can, without burdening them with the details of legalities, etc. However, now that they realise they will not be compelled to move, they are both adamant that they wish to remain at their present school.

>> if I am not entirely satisfied with the former, there is any reason not to subsequently apply for the latter.

Frankly, that makes no sense. If your ex makes a court application for permission to remove the childen it would be sensible for you to make a cross application in the same proceedings. Incurring the cost of two sets of proceedings makes no sense. And if your ex makes a court application the last thing you want is for a judge to say, 'I don't have power to make a prohibited steps order because no-one has asked for one.'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2024 12:00PM by David Terry.

Okay - It seems I hadn't realised that this (the cross application within the same proceedings) was possible so, naturally, I will take this opportunity if and when it arises. Thank you for pointing this out.

Good(ish) news. After a couple of days 'radio silence' ex seems to have accepted that she cannot win. The court tells me they have heard nothing from her - so no order application in the pipeline - which still leaves me with the decision of whether I should then proceed with an application myself.

My feeling at the moment is that, since ex's attitude seems to have shifted to one of appealing to reason, we may well find an agreeable way forward which entails her staying put, or moving to a place still within our home area. And I would rather hang on to my £250 odd application fee (plus the £120 odd MIAM fee) to spend on the children, at least until my hand is forced.

I am now convinced, under the circustances, that ex would stand no chance of a successful application and have told her so unambiguously. So hanging on for now to see how things go.

Updated position: The children are now back with the ex for two weeks during which I am positive that they will be pressured and coerced by empty promises (of a fabulous new life) and threats (we're about to be homeless) which will make them agree to the move.

So it looks as though I must proceed with the PSO application and hope that an immediate Interim Order will prevent the move from going ahead, keeping them in their school at least in the short term until we get to a hearing, which I understand could be some months away.

Urgent PSO application now submitted on-line hopefully in time to prevent ex from taking the children out of their school and moving to a new area at very short notice.

FWIW: On-line Application submitted Wednesday; Hearing Notice received Thursday; remote Hearing set for 10.00 Monday. No MIAM, no solicitors, no delay, no added expences.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2024 10:51AM by JPaulF.

Development: Just been notified that for tomorrow's hearing ex now has a solicitor who specialises in domestic violence!! - of which there has never been any but I think she will try to make a case. I don't have any representation. So what's the worst that can happen tomorrow?

>>what's the worst that can happen tomorrow?

That you lose your application and are ordered to pay your ex's legal costs. It really would be better to be legally represented on an application like this. Not being represented does not mean you will lose but you have made it more difficult for yourself.

Thanks David. Result! Interim order prohibiting move. Sad thing is that, unbeknownst to me, ex applied for a specific issue order 12 days ago but to a different court and not yet served. Could have saved my court fee with the cross application if I'd known it was in the pipeline. Final hearing some way off yet with Cafcass involved.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2024 03:44PM by JPaulF.

That is the order courts usually make in these cases - to preserve the status quo until such time as the court can properly work out what is in the children's best interests. You would be wise to take legal advice at some point though just to make sure that points which carry weight with a court are all raised.

Thanks David. I do actually have the ear of a family solicitor and an ex-family court judge but I do like to cover my bets.

So far as I can see the main point you are likely to need to address is how the children are to be looked after if their present schooling arrangement continues. The point is you cannot stop your ex moving and neither can the court. In the short term they can prevent her taking the children and disrupting their present schooling arrangements but they can't actually prevent your ex herself from moving if that is what she wants to do. That is likely to be point she raises - how the children would be looked after if they are not with her.

Yes, very true thank you David. As I have told her before - she is welcome to move to the other side of the world, as long as she doesn't think she can take our children. It turns out that, with the help of parents and my partner, we are quite happy to have them full time if necessary - especially as they are both now of an age and maturity that they do not require 24/7 close supervision.

As the judge was keen to emphasise - it is not her needs (or mine) that count but the children's' and I am relieved that ex did not go to the lengths of concocting stories about risk of violence or somesuch, which I think was my only concern. It's just such a shame that she shelled out about 1k on MIAM, court fee and solicitor without my knowledge, which could have been spent on the kids school uniforms, holiday, etc. (and for which she will no doubt now be looking to me).

BTW - at the end of the hearing my ex's barrister had a chat with the judge and offered to do the write-up of the case for all concerned - which the judge gratefully accepted. Is this normal? Surely the paid representative of one side only cannot provide an unbiased written account of the proceedings. And will I get an opportunity to comment on anything contentious before this account goes on the record?

It's concerning to hear about the ex-wife's move and its potential impact on the children's education. Stability is crucial for their academic progress, and any disruption could be challenging for them. It's essential for both parents to communicate effectively and prioritize the children's needs during this transition, ensuring they have the necessary support and continuity in their education despite the changes.

>>BTW - at the end of the hearing my ex's barrister had a chat with the judge and offered to do the write-up of the case for all concerned - which the judge gratefully accepted. Is this normal? Surely the paid representative of one side only cannot provide an unbiased written account of the proceedings. And will I get an opportunity to comment on anything contentious before this account goes on the record?<<

Assuming that the court wants such a thing it is normal to ask the represented side to draw it up because a barrister will know what is required whereas a layperson will not. However a barrister who does this (a) must pay due regard to the position of the other side and (b) it is normal to submit it to the other side for approval and comment before it is submitted to the court.

Thanks David. Final hearing now set for May. Ex-wife has now produced reams of accusations, etc. in both her application and her defence of mine - which are now both rolled in to the one hearing. Is it really necessary for me to produce written refutations to all of her allegations, some going back years and almost all of which cannot be proven one way or the other?

It is usually wise to deny allegations specifically to avoid giving the impression they are admitted. This does not have to be lengthy. Something like, 'the allegations in paragraph x, y and z are denied'. It is for the person making allegations to prove them. Obviously if there is a simple point to make in order to demonstrate a particular allegation is untrue it is best to make it. If, say, a person says, "A picked my pocket at York races on 3rd March' A could reply (if such was the case). 'I was in holiday in Spain on 3rd March and there are no end of people can corroborate that'.

When contemplating the impact of an ex-wife moving homes on children's education, one might consider concerns about stability, potential changes in school districts, and the emotional adjustment for the children. It prompts reflection on how to support continuity and minimize disruption during transitions.

Just for completeness - finally got to court for final hearing early August. Ex's hotshot barrister tried to discredit Cafcass report (which was very much in my favour) AND its author (by video link) and suggested the court disregards it. Even tried to bar my father as my McKensie friend. And hit me with a revised Position Statement 5 minutes before the start.Tore into me on the witness stand over all sorts of irrelevant and/or fictitious historical events. Started 10.00am, finished 4.00pm - after a half hour summing up by the judge which sounded like it could go either way. But finally came down in my favour and dismissed her Specific Issue application to move childrens' abode and schools.

Just such a shame that she has now shelled out thousands which could have been spent on the children.

Thanks to contributors, especially David, and I hope this tale may help others in similar positions.