Its over....feedback

I have just endured a 2 day final hearing which has concluded my divorce. I'd like to provide some feedback in the hopes it might help some of you.

The background is, we have been married for 23 years, own 2 properties, 1 which is tenanted. We have 2 children, 20 and 21, both at university. Our net worth has declined over the 3 years we have been fighting. At the time of the final hearing the total was heartbreakingly, about £497,000.

My wife was represented, and supported by Legal Aid, as she alleged domestic violence. I acted Litigant in Person, and for the most part, I am ok with that decision....EXCEPT for the final hearing.

(I think), throughout the bitterness and back and forth shots being fired over thew course of my divorce, performing my own legal services was fine. Through the help of this forum, I was able to navigate and be quite happy with the progress.

Even at the final hearing, I felt confident. My S25 Statement was concise, and descriptive. Her barrister was not able to do much damage on cross examination. I skydive, and my company has been funding it as a potential change of business practice; although she tried, she was not able to convince the judge that I was using the business to fund my own personal activities, and hence intentionally wasting money (in their eyes)

Her barrister also came across very unorganised, and was constantly apologising for one thing or another.

For my cross examinations question’s, I wrote some of my own. I also fed her S25 Statement through chatGPT and with a small amount of editing I was left with 70 well written questions.

I was then subjected to her barristers cross examination, which proved nothing. She did however attempt to allege that I went off travelling, funded by my business, and wasted money, and never supported my family. However, the bank statements she was relying upon in her cross examination, where never provided in the witness bundle, so the questions got abandoned,

End of day 1.

Day 2: Summary Statements and judgement

Not being familiar with the process, I was up all night trying to write my summary statement. I had 2 hours sleep. My statement, which someone said could take up-to 30 minutes to deliver, I wrongly thought it was. Full recount. …I wrote a full history of our relationship; this did 3 things. 1. None of it was relevant or needed. 2. It wasted time, hence 2 hours sleep. 3, It made me emotional.

The summary statement should (summarise) YOUR case…What outcome (order) you are requesting, and why you think this is the right outcome. You should also summarise the times when the other side attacked you, made claims, that you proved false. AND statements in the other side case that were wrong, and under cross examination you proved, or at the very least the other side could not prove their case.

In my case, in hindsight, I should have included….
1. My wife claimed I was selling household items for a fraction of their value. She claimed we had a designer piece of furniture, worth 8x the price I sold it for. She regularly cleaned this item, and it was very clearly labeled with the (non-designer) manufacturer.
2. She failed to disclose a pension. I was certain there was another employer pension scheme from the past. What is really annoying is I found a statement, earlier today. (Case ended yesterday)
3,. She failed to provide 9 bank statements from the past 12 months. 1 of the 3, showed an unusual transfer to family. There was no way to prove she was not trying to hide money as 9 out of 12 statements were not disclosed.

There were other issues, which I could have included, and see now. However I was going on 2 hours sleep, and very emotional. I’d also seen my wife get upset the day before, and it made my sad.

So my summary was just WRONG. I delivered it with compassion, reason, and objectivity. I actually tried to help her, in my statement. My requested order was VERY fair, learning to the benefit of her. DON’T DO THIS!

When her barrister gave her summary, she presented the argument that she couldn’t cross examine me on due to the documents not being in the bundle. WHY DIDN’T I RAISE OBJECTION. I was so tired!

They accused me of travelling, using company money, and not working or supporting the family…all not true. I Travelled, because sitting in one place, living in a motorhome, while your estranged wife is in a 4000 sq ft house….is depressing. And I WAS working. I also travelled to improve my mental health under the circumstances and be able to do my job.

Her barrister tried to tear me a 2nd anus in her summary,. They were ruthless. My wife sat back and watched, and would have been happy for me to walk out with nothing but the clothes I was wearing. I was so fed up, and emotional. If I had my own barrister…they would have fought back. Their offer was a 91/9% division.

I thought everything was fine…I know I offered too much to begin with.

In the end, my wife came out of this with £160,000 more than I did.

My advice….start on your own; fine. Use this forum; it’s excellent objective information (sometimes advice).

BUT! Hire a barrister if you get to the final hearing. It does not have to be celebrity grade. I was looking into direct access barristers….around of slightly over £1000 for the day. I wish I had! It very likely would had saved me £50-75k

>>BUT! Hire a barrister if you get to the final hearing. It does not have to be celebrity grade. I was looking into direct access barristers….around of slightly over £1000 for the day. I wish I had! It very likely would had saved me £50-75k

I am sorry to say this was suggested to you several times and not only by me. Advocacy is a specialised skill. It is difficult to think on your feet without considerable practice. Although it is easy enough to read a pre-prepared speech the skill of advocacy is reacting to the situation and reading the room. And, of course, a barrister knows what is relevant and what isn't. Finally, most people only get one chance of making their case so if anything significant is at stake it makes sense to give it your best shot and that almost always means using a barrister for a hearing like this. As you say, it does not have to be a top KC, just someone competent.

Having said that, you now obviously know this yourself and it does you credit that you put the point yourself. Many people would simply have said, 'I am glad I didn't use a barrister. My wife didn't get the 91/9 division in her favour she wanted.' Coming from you this point probably carries more weight and it may help others.

Finally, don't beat yourself up about the money. Life does go on after divorce and for most people once this type of thing is over they feel as though a big weight has been lifted and they can get on with the rest of their lives. Soon you will be able to put all this behind you.

....another thought...they played a blinder! An absolute master stroke, and I never saw it until after it was all over!

....during the ongoing, 3 year saga, of my divorce, I battled with depression, anxiety, thoughts of just (ending it). It suffer(ed). with ceratin addiction issue, and there are ways and means that I am working on getting to grips with it all.

I had made an audio recording, one day. I was being accused of spending money in order to avoid giving it to my wife. I made a recording, talking directly to my wife, but I was alone, and talking to my mobile phone. It was a form of therapy. The recording, discussed my thoghts on the situation, depression, suicidal thoughts, drug use, ad skydiving...which helped me escape the clutches of the drug use. The recordig was 8 minutes long, and stored on a private mobile device.

My son, who has sided with his mother throughout thew divore, was home for th summer. At the time there was no internet in the house, and I had a business and personal mobile, both with unlimited data. So I loaned him my phone to access the internet. While he had it, (they) disovered the recording. They presented it as evidence in court; I originally objected, however...I questioned why they would submit this....as I thought it would actually empathise the court to my situation, and it possibly did.

They didn't play it until , just before, my wife's barrister, gave the full attack in her final summary statement, making fresh allegations that whee not brought up in cross examination, and reallty should not have been permitted.

...Thinking the audio was to my benefit I agreed to playing it...

THAT WAS A MISTAKE!

This recording was so personal, from a VERY low place. It made me emotional. I was in bits after 30 seconds.

AND THEY KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN!

Immediately after listening to the recording, my wife's barrister started on a summary accusing me of things that where not proven, and in fact not true, But I was so emotionally drained, and of course, not knowing court process...I let it happen.

THAT was a master stroke! by them!

If it ever help anyone...remember what happened to me! I hope it helps someone.

>>Thinking the audio was to my benefit I agreed to playing it...

Unfortunately that illustrates exactly how difficult it is to think on your feet on the spur of moment if you are not used to it. That evidence was not admissible and a barrister acting on your behalf would have objected. Instead of objecting - as you were entitled to do - you agreed to allow inadmissible evidence to be introduced. You can hardly be blamed for that and what you did was understandable but it does graphically illustrate the perils of being a litigant in person at a final hearing.

All the same, what is done is done and there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it. You can now draw a line under the marriage and move on with your life. You also know rather more about your son.

I wanted to add one final comment to this thread...

If anyone either finds, or is directed to this thread, and wants to talk; an opinion; or just some mutual support from someone who knows qhere you may be, feel free to PM me. I won't be around the forums, but I should get email notification.

I'm happy to talk, even if the thought of losing £320,000 in 2 days kind of hurts. To be fair, I lost £60,000....because I was ALWAYS going to lose at lest £240,000. It's even more hearbreaking to realise that had we not been fighting for 3 years, there was almost £300 (K) more, in the beginning.

(mental health, innability to work, legal fees, and the economy...took one hell of a bite)

David, I hope you will leave this message incase anyone just wants someone on the same level to talk to. You know the advice I'll give!

Good luck everyone! I'm going skydiving!!!