Wife wants divorce - I dont!

This is so hard - we have not been getting on great for last year or so, lots of silly arguments turning into bigger ones. Together 22 years so have just became a bit functional and both were not communicating well or making effort for each other. It was a bit of both but most was down to me, I would pick up on small trivial details and make issues of them, acting selfishly much of the time.

The big thing was when her dad got ill and died. I just didnt support her emotionally like visiting with her, I just got on with my own thing. She had been feeling unhappy for a while and had got herself down but she by herself picked things up, went on anti-depressents, had counselling and is much stronger and more like the person she used to be. After a few ok week over Xmas things went back to normal and a month ago she said she wanted to leave. We did a couple of couselling sessions together but she was not bought into them and has decided thats it. Told a number of her close friends.

I was always the unemotional one and she used to be very emotional, its like we have flipped. She is strong, focused, and in some ways a little clinical. Honestly, if you had asked if i loved her a year ago I would have probably said something like I suppose so and thats it, but now its like a fog has lifted and all I feel now is complete love for her. My behavior since has flipped, basically doing all the things she wanted me to do!! But we are now starting the divorce stuff.

On the one hand I want it to be as good as possible as I love and respect. her, and dont wnat to cause more pain or make it worse for kids. But I am not ready to give up. I want that 2nd chance to prove my love and make it work but I think she has already left the room and closed the door.

I am having times when I am focussed and actively working through the start of how we do things to divorce but then get hit emotionally with all this. I cant even imagine life without her and would do anything for another chance but the fact she has told people (and her mum tomorrow) means that that time has surely gone. Really stuggling to come to terms with. it all and think this will get a lot worse emotionaly as we get nearer to finalising things. She is not interested in a trial separation or counselling. Any advice??

1. A marriage depends on two people. If one of them decides the marriage is over then the marriage is over no matter what the other thinks.

2. Statistically most applications for divorce are made by women. That decision is often quite clinical (and there is nothing necessarily wrong with that).

For what it is worth, I didn’t want to split up and divorce but my wife did, she was having an affair, I was prepared for us to work through it but she had totally checked out of our marriage. I tried to delay the inevitable as much as I could but with hindsight I wished I hadn’t, it just delayed things for me as well.

Post divorce I now realise that I am a much happier person, I didn’t realise I was unhappy until this all happened. I have a brilliant relationship with my children (they stayed living with me). I gained a whole new set of friends who really helped me and I realised my ambitions personally and professionally, things I would never had done or even been able to do within the marriage.

It might seem like dark days now but there is light at the end of the tunnel and a post divorce world is much better than it might initially seem.

I feel your pain - the same happened to me in August last year after 4 years of marriage. No desire on her part to work things out and she quickly broke all ties including moving out and setting up with a new boyfriend. It's hard to take, all of a sudden not being wanted by the one person in the world who you want the most. It will get easier, slowly. You have to become mechanical, accept that it is over, try and remain civil and get the divorce done as fair, and with as little cost, as you can muster.

Sorry, if I am repeating myself from another thread, but.....

Do what you can! Fight! just fight! I wish I did!

In the past two weeks, I've seen an uncle die; fair enough he3 was in his 70's, but last year he lost his son to suicide, and his wife to cancer, within a week. I also had a friend who was healthy, fit, but had a seizure....brain tumour...12 months to live (or less). Another friend; again, healthy, and young, with a young family....3 weeks ago we planned a stag do in Vegas for the end of April. Last week he had a stroke...Last friday his family turned off life support.

None of this MATTERS. just consider....if you might still love each other! We all make mistakes. Life and the world, is SHITE! But living in a motorhome with your dog can be lonely too. . x

FOR GODS SAKE....DONT ACCEPT ITS OVER...if you dont want to, until you have no choice.

I have deleted the duplicate post. Indeed I would be minded to delete this one because I think it is wrong on several levels.

1. A marriage takes two people. If one of them thinks the marriage is over then it is over no matter what the other one thinks of what 'fight' he/she puts up.

2. X dies so A fights to save marriage. There is no logic in that.

Still, everyone is entitled to their opinion so I will leave it where it is for what it is worth.

Terry, I don't mean fight if it's hopeless. And I certainly don't mean "fight" as in aggressively.

I mean fight...if there is still a glimmer of.hope; still some love there.

I think our society is far too scared of.making a.mistake that we try to have documented steps for everything. We try to solve far too much in the courts and put.too much reliance on assuming they have the answers.

Our justice system, criminal AND civil..don't know "sh--". They don't. Furthermore...I have met few divorcees who are actually happy(truly). So...my.advice is to explore every avenue to save the relationship, until you are sure it can't be saved.

Lawyers are far too high on the Aspergers spectrum to consider alternatives to logic!

It may surprise you but courts are there as a last resort. Many (most?) people resolve disputes without recourse to courts. However, there will always be some intractable disputes that require a final resolution. That is what courts are for. And do they always get it right? No, because if they did we would not have an extensive system of appeal courts. However, most courts listen the evidence and do their best to come to a conclusion for which they give reasons. Although no-one would suggest they are perfect courts are not 'sh...' simply because they do not do what a particular litigant wants.

And, of course, judges are lawyers. They come to decisions based on reasons which they must give. They would struggle to give any reasons which would not immediately be appealed if they did not base their decisions upon evidence and logic.