collection compiled by
Timothy M. Dees

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

A primary school teacher heard children wailing and crying and rushed to the playground to see what was wrong. There, she found Mark, Kwesi, and Laura, the latter crying furiously. When she asked what had happened, Mark told her, “Kwesi took Laura’s orange. Then she hit him on the head and called him several dirty names, and he kicked her in the stomach.” The teacher replied, “Well, then, we’ll all have to go to the headteacher’s office. Where is the orange now?” Mark smiled and produced the orange from his pocket. “I have the orange. I’m Laura’s lawyer.”

A young lawyer was attending a funeral. Another mourner arrived late and asked the lawyer, “Where are they in the service?” The lawyer gestured at the minister and replied, “He’s just opening for the defence.”

John and Joe had been law partners for many years, sharing everything, most especially the affections of their libidinous secretary, Rose. One morning, an agitated John came to Joe with the bad news, “Rose is pregnant! We’re going to be a father!” Joe, the more reserved of the two, calmed his partner and reminded him that things could be much worse. They were both well-off, and could easily afford the costs of raising the child. Rose would have the best care available, her child would attend only the finest schools, and neither would want for anything. The child would have the benefit of having two fathers, both of which were caring and well- educated. Gradually, John got used to the idea of fatherhood. When the big day came, both were at the hospital awaiting the news of their offspring’s birth. Finally, John could take no more and went outside to take a walk. When he returned an hour later, Joe had the news. “We had twins,” said Joe, “and mine died.”

Several men were drinking in a local pub, when one decided that he had enough and started for home. He swayed violently as he walked, even though he really hadn’t had that much to drink. When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30 years, and still walked as if he was on a ship’s deck in heavy weather. The man thought this to be nonsense. He started to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his friends, “I’ve been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don’t have to do this when I walk!”

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth? ” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

Two schoolgirls were having an argument. “My dad’s better than your dad. He’s a carpenter and makes buildings.” The other girl replied, “My dad does better than that. He’s a lawyer, and makes loopholes.”

A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an lawyer on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The lawyer asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.” The lawyer then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”

Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years. One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse. Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete’s illness. The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete’s death was imminent. As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry. “You know that million pound settlement we got from Morgan last year? I never told you this, but it was really three million. I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away. Can you forgive me? ” Jerry said that he would, without question. Pete then told him, “Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big financial judgement? It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances. I had been screwing her for years. How can you forgive me?” Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten. After Pete had told of several other transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly. “How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years?” Jerry answered, “For two reasons, Pete. First, because you will soon be dead, and there’s no reason to hate you in the grave. And, secondly, because I poisoned you.”

Tadbury was an entrepreneur with a reputation for dishonesty. One day, he went to Smythe, a new but talented lawyer. He told Smythe that he wouldn’t pay any fees unless there seemed a clear cause of legal action. Smythe agreed to evaluate the case. After a lengthy discussion, Smythe told Tadbury, “Your case is absolutely airtight. The other party is dead wrong, and cannot hope to win the case. I will be happy to represent you for a retainer of £10,000.” Tadbury then got up to leave. The lawyer protested, “But I told you that your case was good, and you agreed to pay me if you had a claim! You have to pay me my fee!” Tadbury replied, “Absolutely not. I’m leaving town. I told you the other guy’s side.”

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defence. “What new evidence could you have?” said the judge. The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra £10,000, and I just found out about it!”

Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son’s arrival home from school. The first object was a £100 note. “That represents high finance. If he takes this, he’s go into business.” The second object was a Bible. “If he takes this one, he’ll be a man of the cloth.” The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. “If he goes for this one, he’ll be a drunkard!” The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son’s approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each article briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room draining the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, “How about that! He’s going to be a lawyer!”

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the lawyer in an attempt to make him mend his ways. “Our research shows that you made a profit of over £600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a farthing to community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?” The lawyer replied, “Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?” The charity collector admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. “Well, since I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his lawyer’s bill. “It says here that I have to pay you £5,000 now and £500 a month for the next five years! It’s like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!” The lawyer smiled and replied, “You are.”

Billy, Bobby and Joe had a spree in the fruit orchard. They tore all the fruit from the trees, gorged themselves, then threw fruit and generally vandalized the place. When the farmer caught them, he called the police and had them taken into custody. When the boys appeared before the judge after spending a night in jail, he asked them if they had learned their lesson. The first boy replied, “Yes, sir. All that fruit made me sick. My dad’s a doctor, and he told me never to do that again!” The second boy was from a military family, “My dad told me that if I ever get in trouble with the law again, I can kiss Sandhurst goodbye!” The third boy told the judge, “You bet I won’t do it. My dad’s a lawyer, and I’m gonna sue that farmer for damages to my pants that got tore jumping his fence!”

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what “contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don’t get anything.”

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all of the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, “I have two questions, First why does each clock move at a different speed?” The devil replied, ‘They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second question?” The lawyer asked where the lawyer’s clock was, as he couldn’t seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, “Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. It’s used as a fan.”

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer’s mother: “My son is a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it’s verbal or written.”

“For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.” -Gore Vidal

“A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good undertaker wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table.” -Jean Kerr

“There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer’s heart: ‘Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.'” -Senator Sam Ervin

“A judge is a law student who marks his own test papers.” – H.L. Mencken

Despite his best efforts, the lawyer’s client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for last-minute advice. He was told, “Don’t sit down.”

“An incompetent lawyer can delay a lawsuit for years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.” – Evelle J. Younger

The following is only a kind-of-lawyer joke. It is provided courtesy of Jim McNulty, a constable with the Strathclyde Police Force in Scotland:
I was recently at a CID Special services annual smoker where one of the speakers was a well known Indian lawyer. One of my colleagues told a great story in response to some of the lawyers speech: The lawyer is apparently a great fan of very hot curries, so after a trying day in court he heads home via the local takeaway where he orders his usual extra hot vindaloo. He gets it home and pours it onto a metal plate, being careful not to spill it on the table in case it burns a hole through it. He goes to the fridge for some beer and returns to find that his cat has eaten the entire curry meal.
Normally a peaceable person, he is incensed by this, and he grabs the unfortunate animal, which he throws into a sack, weighed down by various law books which he has never read anyway. He puts the sack into his new Mercedes 500SLC (recent robbery acquittal) and drives it out to Loch Ness, where he throws the sack into the middle of the loch. He drives home via the takeaway only to find that it is closed for the night. He returns home in a foul temper and finds that he has no food in the kitchen, only beer and very expensive whisky (recent murder acquittal) and is having a beer by the fireside when he hears the doorbell ringing. He opens the door and sees the cat standing on the doorstep, soaking wet. It says,….. “Is there any more water?”

When the lawyer arrived he asked St. Peter if a particular friend was in heaven, the friend had been a High Court judge who had died a few months before. St. Peter replied that there were no High Court judges in Heaven. The next day the lawyer saw someone walking along in long red robes with two ushers with him. Later he asked St. Peter about this he did not want to rock the boat but that he thought he’d seen a High Court judge. He described the scene and St. Peter laughed. St. Peter then explained, “That’s not a High Court judge, that’s God. He just thinks he’s a High Court judge.”

In this recession, times are tough everywhere, but in Chicago things are so bad that the Mafia had to lay off seven judges.

Two old friends stopped for a drink after work. “I don’t understand,” Condy complained. “People take an instant dislike to me when they find out I’m a lawyer. Why would they do that?” “Maybe,” her companion suggested, “it just saves time.”

A man standing in line to see a movie felt hands touch his neck, then begin to massage gently. He started to turn around, but the presence of the hands and the pleasant sensation stopped him. The hands worked down to his shoulders, and he continued to enjoy the feeling. However, when the hands began kneading at the small of his back, he turned around to see a small middle-aged man standing behind him. He asked the man what he was doing. “You see, I’m a chiropractor, and watching you stand there, radiating all that tension and stress, was just too much for me. I wanted to take a moment and show you how much better you could feel.” The first man replied, “Well, keep your hands to yourself. I’m a lawyer – you don’t see me standing here screwing people, do you?”

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