collection compiled by
Timothy M. Dees

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, “Hey, let’s go over there and screw those two girls.” The other lawyer replied, “Sure. Out of what?”

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was a total write off. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding – my God, your left arm is gone!” The lawyer, horrified, screamed, “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.

A man wanted very badly to see a West End play, but it took a year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was a lawyer, and that he had bought the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, “Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they’re all at my wife’s funeral.”

Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what’s coming to you.

Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said, “The nut is mine, I saw it first.” The other boy said, “The nut is mine, I have it in my possession.” They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the lawyer to adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for the opportunity and said, “I will settle your dispute this way. Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And, for my fee, I’ll keep the kernel.”

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?” The other tiger replied: “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: “I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with colour inside.” The second doctor said, “I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered.” “Nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest are lawyers. They have only two parts – their mouth and their rears – and those are interchangeable.”

“You’re a cheat!” shouted the lawyer’s client. “You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!” “That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won’t do.

If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: They’re both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile.

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doc asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it.” The first doc asked, “He went mad because he broke an arm?” The second medic answered, “No, he went mad because he couldn’t figure out how to sue himself!”

A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, I don’t usually pry into customers’ private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?” The customer replies, “Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!”

Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need – but you can’t understand a word of it.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It’s called Sosumi.

A doctor was holidaying at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

A quote attributed to one of America’s founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Parliament.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honour,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?” “Well, your honour,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are”. Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says,”I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground”. So, Harry yells down to the man “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”. And the man on the ground yells back “You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air”. George turns to Harry and says “That man must be a lawyer.” Harry says, “How can you tell?”. George says, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless”.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me £8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for £8.50 . Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: £20 due for a consultation.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, “We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge – boy, did they know how to charge!”

Two lawyers took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the lawyers’ rifles were too far away to do them any good. One lawyer began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that. The man replied, “Because I can run faster without them.” The first lawyer told him, “I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never outrace that lion.” The now-barefoot man told him, “I don’t have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you.”

One morning at the law office, one lawyer looked at the other and said, “Wow, you look really terrible this morning.” The other lawyer replied, “Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what I try, I can’t seem to get rid of it.” The first lawyer told him, “Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time for me.” Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again. The first told the second, “You know, you look 100% better than this morning.” The second replied, “Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You’ve got a beautiful house, too. “

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?” It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. “Isn’t there anything I can do?” the patient asked. “Marry a lawyer,” answered the doctor. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”

Eternity: one lawyer waiting for the other.

There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size will support. The same theory holds for teachers and engineers. However, this principle does not seem to apply to lawyers. The more you have, the more you need.

She: You just don’t care anymore!
He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make you feel better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to America?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

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