JOKES ABOUT LAWYERS (2)
collection compiled by
Timothy M. Dees
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said that it didn’t. The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?” The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?”
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mummy, why did they bury two men there?”
Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
A: Deep down, they’re much nicer people.
A solicitor was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you take on, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, “Are you a lawyer?” He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops and asks, “Are you a lawyer?” He again replies that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, “Are you a lawyer?” The hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims, “This is really something. I’ve only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I’m thinking about screwing somebody!”
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was £50.00 for three questions. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” he asked. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father’s activities. He could be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son’s first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman’s attire, who began the conversation as follows: “Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows.”
The lawyer said, “I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. “My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town,” he said. “For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows.”
“I heard enough. I’ll take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. “My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows.” “DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” said the lawyer. “The cows will be ours!”
Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading “Justice has triumphed!” The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. “What a ripoff,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah’s Witness. He declined, as he hadn’t seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, “Well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.” One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!” The lawyer replied, “I’m right on time. I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve.”
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.” Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter’s night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town’s business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveller in Dante’s Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, “Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.”
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm breaks, battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of wind. Looking off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause: the surrounding waters are thick with circling sharks. As the storm intensifies, it is clear that their only hope for survival is to swim for shore for help. The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets the shortest, bravely jumps overboard. At once, he is approached by a toothy shark. “Jump on my back and I’ll take you in,” says the shark. The lawyer hops on and grabs a fin. The doctor and priest are awestruck. “Hey,” explains the shark. “It’s just professional courtesy.
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can’t do that a lawyer won’t do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?” The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.